How to improve your communication skills: be an effective listener March 8, 2009

Listening seems easy enough, but actually it’s an art that requires much time and practice to master. We’ve all encountered situations in which we’ve misinterpreted or made assumptions about what somebody said, only to lead to massive misunderstanding and possibly arguments! This is why it’s critical to be an active listener. When you are in the listener role, your job is to support the person who is speaking. You are not going to get very far if you just sit there and let their words go in one ear and out the other. If you care about the speaker, let them know through active listening.

Ways to respond while your partner is speaking:

1. Show that you understand your partner’s statements and accept his/her right to have those thoughts and feelings, even if you disagree with their content. Let him/her speak for some time before interjecting with your own speech. When you do pipe up, reflect and summarize your partner’s most important feelings, desires, conflicts, and thoughts. Especially focus on feelings, as this is often what can deepen the conversation and lead to a deeper level of understanding. This means you’ll be doing some guesswork regarding what your partner is really trying to say- it’s trial and error. Sometimes you’ll get it wrong, sometimes you’ll be right on target. With practice, you’re going to improve.
2. Demonstrate this acceptance through your tone of voice, facial expressions, and posture.
3. Try to put yourself in your partner’s shoes and look at the situation from his/her perspective, in order to determine how s/he feels and thinks about the issue. If there’s a problem at stake, your partner already has the solution. Thing is, s/he may not be aware of it due to confusion or emotional overload. That’s where your critical role as the listener comes in. The listener’s job is to do some detective work and help the speaker come to peace with the topic at hand. As mentioned in #1, you must try to peel back the layers of what your partner has said and figure out what is going on underneath. Focus on feelings, try to guess what is at stake for your partner. Use your partner’s words– there’s no better way to make a person feel validated than by using their language.

While you are the listener, DO NOT:

1. Express your own opinion or perspective.
2. Think about how your partner’s words affect you– your job is to be helping them when you are in the listener role. You will get your turn as the speaker.
3. Offer solutions or attempt to solve a problem without being asked.
4. Make judgments or evaluate what your partner said.

 

With these skills, we hope you will become a better, more active listener!

How to hold a successful yard sale July 30, 2008

“One Man’s Trash Is Another Man’s Treasure”

aka a perfect time for a yard sale.

We have all heard of this proverb but rarely believe it. How could anyone else want my old shower curtain, or my old art supplies… You would be surprised. If you find yourself swimming in a house full of ”trash”, and want to do a nice purging of the living space a yard sale or garage sale is the way to go.

Although you won’t be able to go into retirement from your yard sale funds, it’s always nice to have a little extra spending / redecorating cash. Yard sales are a great way to motivate yourself to sort through those boxes and clean house. Don’t be too generous to the trash can when cleaning, you would be amazed at some of the things people want to buy… Think about it, you wanted that ”trash” at one point in time.

So next time you find yourself frustrated with the lack of space or annoyed because your house is full of junk, get everyone together to have a yard sale. This world is divided into those who like yard sales and those who think it’s a waste of time. My belief is that if you are going to get rid of the stuff, might as well make an event out of it. Who knows how much spending cash you can make in one morning!

Materials you need:

- Price Stickers

-Tape

-Change – coins and cash

-Calculator

-Mirror ( if you have clothing)

-Music

-Pen / Paper

-Poster Board / Boxes / Cardboard

- Tables

- Plastic Bags

- Lots of stuff to sell!

1- Before you can even get started with planning the ultimate yard sale – make sure you have enough stuff. Go through all your stuff and see what items are able to be resold. General rule of thumb is that even if you have used it – if it’s in good condition, and has some life left in it — you can sell it. *Make sure that your item is functional – last thing you want to do is sell a broken item *

2- Organize your items by category /price. For example, put all your books together and price them accordingly… Organization is key to a great yard sale!

3- Price your items individually. With the exclusion of grouped items ( books, pens/ pencils, old CDs, DVDs) make sure you price each item separately. Try to put a sticker on each item rather than grouping items and then having a price chart. Individual pricing makes is a lot easier to calculate your items, and less likely that people will try to trick you with the wrong pricing. As far as books and grouped items go, put them all in a box / container according to value – and label the box.

4- Pick a date. Make sure you avoid holiday weekends because a lot of people will already have previous plans, and miss your fabulous yard sale! Figure out what day you want to have it and also what time you want to start. Yard sales usually do better if you start early.. this is speaking from personal experience. *Not to mention, starting earlier means you can get out of the blazing heat faster* If you don’t want early birds, make sure you write that on your sign.. otherwise you may find people peering in while you are still setting up.

5- Know your demographic. When having a yard sale it’s important to know your ”client”…just like any other business. Knowing your client is important so you can have a good idea of what kind of items will sell, and for what price.

6- Check with your city, local government and / or homeowner’s association to see if there are any sign posting guidelines. Depending on your area, you may have to obtain a permit before opening up shop.

7- Start advertising! Make sure you give yourself enough time to put an ad in the local newspaper. Try posting an ad onto online communities and other classified websites. Good websites to post on are www.craigslist.org or www.pennysaverusa.com.

8-Time to make your signs! Don’t underestimate the power of the street signs. I am always surprised by the number of people who stumble upon my yard sales as a result of my bright, eye-catching signs. Signs are a great way to catch those yard sale shoppers. When making the signs try to use large, bold lettering and make sure you put an arrow in the right direction. Don’t put too much writing on the signs- you don’t want to cause any accidents from people trying to read the tiny writing. Write down the necessary info: YARD SALE, location, date, time. If you have the luxury to post the signs up a day or two early — do it! Just make sure you have the date on the sign. At the latest- try to post the signs up early, early morning on the day of your sale. Again, the longer your sign is up – the more people will see it. After posting your sign – drive by the signs to make sure they are visible. *If you don’t have the time / artistic skill to make bright, bold posters- generate an online poster. There are various websites with Yard Sale Sign generators and here are some: www.garagesalesource.com and yardsalesearch.com.

*A great sign making tip from the “YARDSALEQUEEN” at www.yardsalequeen.com is to use paper bags as signs. This is such a great idea! Get a hold of paper grocery bags- write your information on the blank side ( or post your poster onto the bag) – add rocks to the bottom – staple bag shut and you instantly have a great sign!! SUCH A GREAT IDEA ( easier clean up too!)

9- Day of your sale – make sure you stock up on plastic bags. Having plastic bags to put your sold items in will make the shopping experience that much more pleasant for the customer.

10- Get lots of change. Depending on how you price your items, you will need to have lots of change and small bills. When I had my last garage sale – I made sure I stocked up on a lot of quarters and coins, since I had a lot of smaller items.

11- Set up your sale in an orderly manner. An organized selling area will result in your customers wanting to take a closer look. It’s just like shopping at a sale in a department store, it’s so much easier to shop when it’s organized. Try to put your ”hot” items up in front – so people driving by can spot them. I put a lot of my larger, new items up in front so people can see the large showcase of items at my sale.

12- Be kind and greet all your customers. Time to release the inner salesperson. Make sure you explain the pros of the item your customer is interested in. If they try to haggle the price with you – use your own discretion. If you think another customer will pay the marked price- say no. If you don’t think there will be another buyer, take their offer.

13- I usually start slashing prices an hour before closing time. You will find that many pro- yard sale shoppers will come towards the end of the sale — and they are looking for the real deals. Try to package items up and sell them at discounted rates.

14- If you have a lot of items left over at the conclusion of your sale- you have a couple of options. Save the items you think have value, and bring them out for your next sale. Donate larger items to a charity of your choice (they will usually come pick up the items). Or, you can post an ad for free items and just get rid of everything.

15- Make sure you clean up after yourself- Take down signs.

Having a yard sale can be a therapeutic experience.. you get to cleanse your home, while making a little extra money. Although moments of the yard sale can be stressful, it’s a great way to recycle usable products to those who want a great deal!

There are so many factors that go into yard sales. I have found the following link to be extremely helpful in my planning / executing of yard sales. For more information on yard sales please visit the Queen, at www.yardsalequeen.com. She has some great do’s and dont’s, along with great links!

Good luck!

THANK YOU FOR YOUR COMMENT!  — YES, a free box does wonders! All the little items do extremely well with a free box. Concessions are great too… especially with the hot, summer days – cold drinks do great.  T

How to be prepared for an Earthquake (Earthquake Survival Kit) July 29, 2008

If you live in Southern California, you probably felt the earthquake this morning. Even though you learn to DROP, COVER and HOLD ON, when the walls start to rattle and the floor starts to roll –those 3 steps go out the window. If this morning’s earthquake had been a drill I would have failed. I did not drop, I did not cover, and I did NOT hold on. Instead, I looked around, screamed and started running down the stairs and outside. After the earthquake had calmed down, I realized that I need to brush up on my earthquake readiness plan and kit.

Although there isn’t a sure way of detecting an earthquake pre- rumble, you can be prepared for mother nature’s roar. By following the below steps, you and your loved ones will prepared and alert when the quake hits.

1 – Make sure everyone is on the same page. Pick an retreat location in each room. Although running to a doorway / door frame is a popular spot, the safest spot is to hide under a sturdy table.

2-After the shaking, retreat outside and make sure you have everyone. Watching the news coverage regarding this morning’s earthquake said that land lines have a better chance of working than your cell phone. So, if you need to make a phone call try to use a land line, or send a text message. Text messages use less bandwidth than phone calls so you are more likely to get a hold of the person. Try not to make phone calls unless they are an emergency!

3- Locate your emergency earthquake kit. This should have the essential items to aide in your survival – should you experience a bad shake.

Emergency Earthquake Kit:

- Flashlight ( Battery operated )

- Radio (Battery operated)

-Extra batteries

- Water – lots of water

-First Aid Kit

-Blankets

-Canned Food ( and can opener)

4- After the quake and the coast is clear, do a quick walk around the house to make sure there isn’t structural damage and / or gas leaks. Fires are easily started after earthquakes so make sure you don’t smell any gas leaking… If you do, turn off the gas.

Hopefully every one will be okay and there won’t be any major damages. If you do experience an earthquake don’t put the emergency kit away because you never know when an aftershock may hit. Hope you will be well prepared but won’t have to use your earthquake kit! If you have any other earthquake or natural disaster readiness tips, please feel free to comment!

How To Get What You Want In LAS VEGAS October 24, 2007

WHAT HAPPENS IN LAS VEGAS …. STAYS IN LAS VEGAS. Here’s your guide on the best places to visit for going out, gambling and having the ultimate Sin City Experience. Las Vegas has changed since the days of gambling halls, and showgirls. There is so much to do in this wonderful city many people call home.

MOST LUXURIOUS HOTELS:

- WYNN HOTEL : Your experience at this luxury resort can be described in one word: Opulence. Talk about luxury. When you enter your room, you will find yourself facing a wall to ceiling window with amazing views. ( Try and request the Strip view) Decked out with plasma TVs, your own business center ( including fax and internet connection), this room is amazing. Now, most of the time when you are in Vegas you don’t want to be cooped up in your room – not here. Slip into the most comfortable bed in the world. Talk about beauty sleep. If you want to luxury at your fingertips, stay here.

-THE VENETIAN: The rooms at the Venetian are great for larger parties, for those who want some space. Not only do you get your sleeping area, there is also a section for relaxing and / or getting some work done (yes, there is a business center here too). The Venetian also has some great shopping so you can get that perfect outfit in the comfort of your own hotel.

-BELLAGIO: The water show hotel! Need we say more? This hotel is extravagant, and definitely for the high rollers. The rooms are grandiose and very sophisticated. The rooms are very spacious with extra seating available. This hotel has been featured in various movies… can you guess which ones?

- CAESARS PALACE – THE AUGUSTUS TOWER: Las Vegas big shot renovates the Augustus tower. The rooms in this tower are amazing. Large plasma screen TVs, great decor, very spacious seating area, and amazing bathrooms. Don’t forget the amazing views, and the shopping.

HOW TO GET THE MOST OF YOUR HOTEL STAY:

- Upon checking in ask if there is any way you can get an upgrade. Some times the hotel will be able to sneak in a free upgrade … if you ask nicely

-If you want to get an upgrade try this : tell the attendant at check in that you are in Las Vegas celebrating a special event. Proposal, Anniversary, Wedding, they may be able to give you some added perks.

OTHER WAYS TO ENJOY LAS VEGAS (other than gambling and going out):

-RED ROCK: You may be in the middle of the desert but there is a lot of nature to be found! Just 15 min away from the strip, you can find the 10+ hiking trails of Red Rock Canyon. You can enjoy your whole day walking along the trails, possibly even seeing little animals.

- SHOPPING: There is some amazing shopping in Sin City. You may be able to find one of the malls in your hotel, but the best is Fashion Show Mall. Conveniently located on the strip, you will never be away from a brand new outfit!

*Check out your hotel… there is a lot of things to see right on the strip*

BEST NIGHTCLUBS

-LAX: Located at the Luxor, the people who brought you PURE have done it again with LAX. With amazing celebrity appearances weekly, LAX is a great place to go dancing. The resident DJs play good music. The club is 2 levels… with the dance floor on the middle of the first floor. Lots of tables, and booths available for bottle service. BEST NIGHTS: Wednesday, Friday, Saturday

-TAO: Located at the Venetian, this spot is still hot. With multiple levels, and rooms, this place has something for everyone. During the summer, guests have access to Tao Beach as well. With multiple dance floors, this place is larger than other places in Vegas. As great as it is .. beware- this place can get very crowded. BEST NIGHTS: Thursday, Friday, Saturday

-BODY ENGLISH: Located in the Hard Rock Hotel ( off the strip) this place is insane. It usually gets packed by midnight so you have to get in as early as possible. The music is great, and the drinks are always flowing. The great thing about this club is that there is a second level of tables overlooking the dance floor. This way, those of you who pay the extra for bottle service have your own special area while looking over the club. BEST NIGHTS: Friday, Saturday, Sunday

-PURE: Located in Caesars Palace, this place is VEGAS. As seen in every major magazine, this place is where the Pussycat Dolls perform, it’s where all the celebrities have their birthday parties. It’s a must see VEGAS club. BEST NIGHTS: Friday, Saturday

- MOON/ PLAYBOY CLUB: Located in the Palms Casino this place gets you a 2 for 1 deal. One of the newest clubs in Las Vegas, Moon and Playboy Club get you to the top of the new Palms tower, over looking all of Las Vegas. Moon has an amazing sound system, outdoor areas and escalators taking you to the one of a kind Playboy Club. The Playboy Club features a bar, dance floor, and gambling. Every man’s dream come true. But beware- the gambling tables at the Playboy Club seem to have high limits so make sure you know what you are getting into. BEST NIGHTS: Tuesday, Friday, Saturday

As always, this is just a sampling of what Las Vegas has to offer. A great way to get the best of Las Vegas is to talk to your concierge at your hotel. If you want to get the most bang for your gambling buck you might want to get a player’s card so you can earn some points and goodies!

Viva Las Vegas!

How to succeed (and thrive!) in grad school October 22, 2007

As if getting into grad school wasn’t hard enough, actually surviving it is even tougher. Here are some tried and true suggestions that will help you make it though grad school – and maybe even enjoy it!

Befriend others in your program

You’re going to be spending a great deal of your time surrounded by people in your program, so you might as well make it a pleasant experience. Heck, you may even end up making a few life-long friends. It makes such a difference when you’re excited to see your classmates – going to school isn’t as big a drag as it could be because you get to look forward to hanging out with your buds!

Don’t try to do all the reading

If you’re hearing this for the first time, it might sound crazy to you. How are you supposed to show that you’re dedicated to school, willing to do what it takes to succeed, and not be made a fool of when called upon in class if you don’t pore over every word in the 100s of pages of assigned weekly reading?!? The simple answer is: you don’t need to worry so much. It’s just not worth it! Eventually you’ll realize that it’s also impossible. Here’s what you do: read what’s interesting to you, and skim the rest. Just make sure to read something each week for each class. You want to get something out of it, right? Don’t be so determined to get through everything that you don’t process anything.

Don’t try to do all the reading

See above.

Commit to your community

Get hobbies, pick up a sport, volunteer with local nonprofits, join a local language club, take a cooking class. The point is to get involved with SOMETHING non-academic that is a scheduled activity. This way, school is not your life, but one, albeit substantial, portion of your life. I know you’re probably thinking- I don’t have time for any of this! In truth, you really do have extra time, and more important, you have valid interests that extend beyond school. Chances are if you’ve made it this far, you’re not just Mammy the grad student- you might actually be Mammy the animal loving, environmental activist, marathon running, delicacy baking grad student. Pursuing outside interests will aid in your personal growth, give you new perspectives on life, and make you happy. This will spill over into school success. It’s important that you be committed to your hobby, otherwise school can easily encroach upon it and consume you! Don’t become a slave to your program! Make school just one thing you do.

Punctuate your work with planned festivities

Plan activities that you can look forward to! These things don’t have to be really time-consuming, but planning even a 1-2 hour coffee date with an old friend may keep your attitude positive through the week as you excitedly work towards it. Try the following: meet friends for dinner, try new restaurants, go to concerts, plays, movies, have friends in from out of town, check out local bars and farmer’s markets, go for hikes, play tennis, check out your school’s football or basketball games, have a pot-lucks with friends, and Mammy’s favorite- vacations! The bottom line is to plan things that keep you going through the week and the semester!

Get involved with your program

Don’t just scoot by doing the minimum. You know what they call the person who graduates dead last in their medical school class?? ……Doctor. Don’t be dead last in your class. You’ll need stellar letters of recommendation for residencies, internships, and jobs, and you need to show the faculty that you’re worthy of top positions. Help plan seminars, be on journal clubs, volunteer or find out about paid opportunities to work in a faculty member’s lab- all things to do so that faculty get to know you better, and write you better letters of rec. In addition, you’ll gain a broader perspective on your field, and perhaps identify surprising new areas of interest!

Get to know faculty informally

Aside from your academic and professional prowess, the faculty should get to know you on a more personal level. Make sure to interact with them at luncheons, colloquia, in the elevator, in the department office, etc. All of these microinteractions are opportunities for them to find out what an all-around nice, intelligent, and motivated person you are- in and outside of the classroom.

Have non-school friends

As important as it is to get along with your program mates, it’s equally important to maintain outside friendships with individuals not involved in your program. As has been mentioned in this list, school can easily consume you, so it’s important that you safeguard against this. You’ll want to maintain friendships with people who you know from various life stages. Whether it be having a weekly phone date with your high school friend, a monthly coffee date with your girl from college, or just randomly making plans with others from your life, make sure you put effort in to foster these older relationships. This is important for life in general! It’s heartwarming and special to maintain old friendships. Keep in mind that others in your program will have outside friends, too, so if you rely on them too much for your social outlet, then you might find yourself home alone on a Saturday night watching Crossroads (which is fine, sometimes…).

Procrastinate

Yup, that’s right. Maybe it sounds crazy, but you really shouldn’t try to get too far ahead. In classes, assignments and due dates frequently change. Therefore, you’ll be doing yourself a disservice by trying to get too far ahead in your work. Take things one step at a time, and if you find yourself with free time- spend it having fun!

Balance your priorities

There will be times when others make you feel guilty about not spending time with them. This is probably the most difficult part of being a grad student. It feels awful to turn people down when you’d truly rather spend time with them. At the same time, it’s frustrating when others don’t seem to understand how much work you have. This is a matter of priorities- both school and your relationships/family/friendships are probably at the top of your list. It can be challenging to achieve a balance, but know that you never have to keep one above the other for long. It’s a game of back and forth, and it’s your job to distinguish between times it’s appropriate to sacrifice school for life, and times you should stick to your guns and do your work. This takes some feeling out, but you’ll get it right. Generally, if you’ve got a due date approaching, stick to your guns. If you don’t, and you’re just trying to get ahead- which there’s no point in doing- you may as well kick back and have fun. What good is the ride if you don’t enjoy it?

Bottom line: You’re sacrificing a lot, and it’s inevitable that you’ll feel overwhelmed at some point. But seriously, don’t let grad school take your entire life- you’ll become a sad, unhealthy burnout. What got you into grad school in the first place was your ability to fit you uniqueness in with academic and professional demands. You gotta keep rolling like this, maintaining that individuality, those quirks, that zest for life!

How To Jump Start Your Car October 16, 2007

How to Jump Start your Car… you may not see a use for this, or you may think it’s common sense but in the heat of the moment you might be a little lost. Mammie recently relocated to lovely Las Vegas from sunny Southern California, and during her drive …. there was some car trouble. After a rest stop, the car wouldn’t start!!! I grabbed the jumper cables, ready to do what I’ve seen a thousands of times … but I got flustered. Thank goodness, I was able to get the following directions:

1.If your car doesn’t start- don’t panic. Make sure you are in a safe area. ( Usually the case, since you were probably parked somewhere)… Make sure your car is in park and the brakes are on. Your car will be referred to as WEAK CAR from here on out.

2. Find someone with a vehicle that is larger than yours. Since you are using the other vehicle’s power, you want to make sure there is enough battery to charge your car. Translation: Don’t find a 2 seater to jump start your monster truck. If you don’t have jumper cables, make sure the other person does before moving to step 3. The working vehicle will be referred to as STRONG CAR from here.

3. Park STRONG CAR next to or facing WEAK CAR. The hoods should be in close distance.

4. Turn off STRONG CAR, making sure brakes are in place.

5. Pop the hoods of both cars.

6. Take the jumper cables to STRONG CAR and put the positive clamp (red clamp) over the positive terminal (indicated witha + sign).

7. Take the jumper cable to the WEAK CAR and put the other positive clamp (red) over the positive (+) terminal.

8.Take the STRONG CAR negative clamp (black) and place it over the negative (-) terminal of the STRONG CAR battery.

9. Place the remaining negative clamp (black) on a good solid shiny, non painted metal part of the engine. *Be careful – there may be a mini spark when attaching negative clamps*

10. Once cables are attached turn on your STRONG CAR and let the engine run for a few minutes. ( WEAK CAR is still off)

11. After a few minutes, hop into WEAK CAR and turn the key to see if the dashboard lights turn on. If they do- it’s a good sign! Try starting your engine. If it doesn’t start (but your lights work ) – let the battery charge a little bit before trying again. If the car doesn’t start and the lights don’t work- check your clamps.

12. After turning on the WEAK CAR you can remove the cables. Removal of the cables will be in semi-opposite order – Negative (black) clamp from WEAK CAR, black clamp on STRONG CAR, red clamp of STRONG CAR (this breaks current), lastly red clamp of WEAK CAR.

13.IF YOU ARE NOT DRIVNG THE ‘WEAK’ CAR MAKE SURE YOU LEAVE THE ENGINE RUNNING FOR APPROXIMATELY 30 MIN TO FULLY CHARGE THE BATTERY. If you are driving your ‘weak’ car the battery will continue to charge itself.

There you have it …. now if your car doesn’t start you know what needs to be done. Hope you don’t have to use the skills you have just learned but … it’s one of those skills you want to have up your sleeve… just in case. As always, drive safely!!

How to improve your communication skills: Problem solving October 6, 2007

So you’re ticked off at your intimate partner for something….maybe it’s a familiar problem rearing its ugly head once again, or perhaps it’s a new issue that just surfaced. Regardless of what it is or how often it happens, trying to find a solution can be difficult and stressful, and sometimes can even lead to additional problems. Sometimes just the thought of broaching the issue is tough. The Dream Team is here to help. Below are some guidelines for solving problems with your romantic partner. These may extend to other types of relationships as well.

1. Define and specify

Phrase the issue in terms of behaviors that are currently occurring or not occurring, or in terms of what needs to be decided.

Break down large, complex problems into several smaller & more manageable problems. Deal with each of these one at a time.

Make certain that both you and your parter agree on the statement of the problem, and are willing to discuss it.

2. Importance

Explain why the issue is important to you, and what you perceive the issues involved to be.

Explain what your needs are and that you would like to see them taken into account in the solution. DO NOT offer speicific solutions at this time.

3. Brainstorm possible solutions

Time to get creative! Brainstorm every possible solution, no matter how extreme, that you can think of. *Write them down on a piece of paper.* Each solution should be concrete and specificy the behaviors involved.

4. Decide on a solution

You and your partner should independently rate each solution from 1-3 in terms of how much you favor it (1=favor very much, 2=neutral/willing to try but skeptical, 3=dislike). Cross off solutions that both of you gave a 3, since these won’t work for either of you. If there are solutions that both of you rated a “1″, focus on these. Otherwise focus on solutions that one of you rated a “1″ and the other rated a “2″. The best solutions will take both partners’ needs and preferences into account, and will be focused on the present and the futue. Do not focus on solutions that meet only your needs, even if your partner is willing to accept them. This could lead to resentment and/or withdrawal by your partner down the line. Do not dwell on the past – the solution should move your relationship forward. Do not accept solutions that you do not intend to follow through with, or one that will make you angry or resentful.

Once you have selected a solution, write it in clear, specific behavioral terms (if this has not already been done). Both you and your partner should verbally restate the solution in your own words to ensure that you each understand it in the same way.

5. Trial

Select a time frame during which to implement the solution on a trial basis. Both you and your partner should mark you calendars for the date when this trial period ends. Allow for several attempts at the new solution. Review the solution at the end of the trial period. If needed, revise the solution, taking into account what you learned during the trial.

All content from:

Baucom, D. H., Epstein, N., & LaTaillade, J. J. (2002). Cognitive-Behavioral Couple Therapy. In Gurman & Jacobson (eds.). Clinical Handbook of Couple Therapy. The Guilford Press: New York.

How to improve your communication skills: Speaking October 5, 2007

Interested in improving your communication skills? Most people can stand to improve in this department. The great thing about improving these skills is that they’re applicable to any relationship- friends, romantic partners, parents, kids, coworkers. Have you ever gotten caught up in the heat of the moment, and lashed out at your friend, partner, parent, or child? Maybe things even escalated into a full-blown fight. Afterwards, everyone probably felt bad… You can avoid this trap by following the guidelines for effective communication below.

The example situation that will be referenced throughout the post: You and a close friend had made plans to have dinner together last Friday. She called you an hour before you had planned to meet and cancelled because she wanted to go to a concert with a new guy she’s seeing.

1. State your views subjectively – as your own feelings and thoughts, not as absolute truths. Use “I” statements to avoid your listener feeling as if they’re being verbally attacked (“I’m angry with you because we didn’t get to hang out last Friday like we had planned to do” vs. “It pisses me off that you flaked on me”).
2. Speak for yourself. State what you think and feel, NOT what you think your listener thinks and feels (“I’m feeling hurt that we didn’t get to spend time together, and angry that you called me an hour before we were supposed to meet” instead of “Clearly, I’m not a priority to you”).
3. Express your emotions and feelings, not just your ideas (“I’m feeling hurt that we didn’t get to hang out” instead of “We didn’t get to hang out”).
4. When talking about your listener, state your feelings about her/him, not just about a certain event or situation (“I’m angry with you” instead of “I’m angry that we didn’t get to hang out”).
5. When expressing negative emotions or concerns, also include positive feelings you have about the person or situation. (“I was really excited to see you because you’re one of my closest friends, and I got very disappointed when you called to cancel” instead of “I’m feeling angry, hurt, and disappointed”)
6. Make your statements as specific as possible. Identify a single situation or topic that’s bothering you and prompting you to share (Your friend flaked on you last Friday when you had dinner plans , instead of Your friend flakes on you all the time). Avoid making global attributions about your listener (“You called me an hour before we were supposed to meet last Friday” instead of “You always flake on me”). Also be specific in terms of your emotions and thoughts. (“I’m feeling angry and hurt” instead of “I’m feeling bad”).
7. Speak in “paragraphs”. Express a main idea with some elaboration and allow your listener to respond. Speaking for a long time without a break makes it difficult for your listener to listen.
8. Use appropriate tact and timing, so that your listener can hear what you’re saying without becoming defensive. Monitor the tone of your voice so that you can have a constructive problem-solving conversation instead of one in which you and your listener tear each other down. Select a time to bring up the topic in advance, when both you and your listener have a block of time and will be able to attend fully to the conversation. Right before work, bed, or other plans is not a good time.

All content from:

Baucom, D. H., Epstein, N., LaTaillade, J. J. (2002). Cognitive-Behavioral Couple Therapy. In Gurman & Jacobson (eds.). Clinical Handbook of Couple Therapy. The Guilford Press: New York.

How to be assertive without being a bitch October 5, 2007

Have you ever been taken for a “ride” by a cab driver, been treated poorly by sales reps, had to wait for hours cuz your flight got delayed, or had your order botched at a restaurant? These are all things that we put up with that we don’t have to. Feeling like you just got screwed over sucks. Now don’t get us wrong- we’re not suggesting that you make a fuss over every little thing that’s not to your liking. Human beings make mistakes, and many times it’s a deal-able situation. For instance, if on your sandwich you get provolone cheese instead of the Swiss that you ordered, it might not be fuss-worthy. That said, if you’ve got a hankering for Swiss, and you indeed ordered it—get it! In addition, there is a class of behaviors, or lack thereof, that is just plain inexcusable. For instance, you get in a cab and the meter says $42, 309 (which is what happened to The Dream Team last weekend). WTF is that about? Unaccepts for sure! In this instance, The Dream Team asked the cab driver what was up with the meter and laughed with him about how it was clearly broken. He said he’d charge a flat rate to our destination, which was a few dollars more than what the frequently Mammy-travelled route would usually cost. The solution in this case was for us to realize that his requested fare included his tip– done. There is a way to go about these situations without being a jerk. You need to behave with a sense of calm, confidence, assertiveness, and grace. It doesn’t have to been an awkward confrontational situation, the fear of which prevents most of us from asking for what we want. The Dream Team proposes the following recommendations.

Taxi drivers who overcharge

Only challenge the fare when you’re certain that he overcharged you on a route you travel frequently. Keep in mind that gas prices increase, so if you haven’t ridden in a cab for a while, this could be the reason for an elevated fare. Getting a lower fare can be difficult because often cab drivers doggedly defend their fares when they’re clearly just trying to get a few extra bucks. When you arrive at your destination, what you need to do is stay calm, and state with confidence that you travel the route frequently and it costs $x. Tell him you’ll give him that amount. If he tries to argue with you, repeat yourself until he backs down. Mammies have successfully used this strategy countless times. Which brings up a whole other issue– Why all the shady cab drivers?!

Dealing with online order problems

Consider that if your order involved postal service delivery, the mail may be to blame, and it might be inappropriate to use the approach below. Follow these guidelines only after you’ve determined that the order company is clearly at fault.Email customer service with your complaint, and make sure you include all the relevant details (order # and such). If you don’t hear back from them within a few business days, simply forward your original email to them. If a week passes and you still haven’t gotten a response, resort to the use of threat. Email customer service again, notifying them that this is your third attempt to get in contact. Copy and paste your complaint, and let them know that you’ll be contacting the Better Business Bureau if you don’t hear back from them within a week. Usually this will result in a swift move to appease you. The key here is to use email as a way to document your attempts to contact them.

Airline delays and baggage problems

You can get a free ticket, or frequent flier miles, for certain types of delays. Delays due to weather conditions won’t get you anything, since (clearly) these are out of the airline’s control. However, mechanical failure falls under the responsibility of the airline, and you can get something out of this. For instance, due to mechanical difficulties, Mammy’s recent flight was delayed by 3 hours. She couldn’t get on any stand-by flights to the original destination, but she did manage to get on a standby flight to an airport near the original destination. Of course there was the luggage concern- Mammy’s luggage ended up at the original destination. The ticket agent at the departing gate had told her she wouldn’t be able to have the luggage sent to her house. Mammy refused to accept this and took matters into her own hands. Mammy got her bags delivered to her home that evening, free of charge. She also received frequent flier miles for the delay. Here’s how you can do it:

Getting bags delivered. At the arrival airport, calmly explain to the baggage claim agent the situation. There’s no harm in telling him or her (calmly) that you are frustrated with the situation. Just remember to be friendly, calm, and treat the agent with kindness. Use your manners – “please” and “thank you” will get you a long way.

Getting miles. Write and mail a hard copy of a letter to the CEO of the airline (contact information may be found on websites), explaining your frustration with delay situation and how it ruined your plans for the day. Keep in mind that it can take up to 6 weeks to receive a response.

Sending food back at a restaurant

Mammy is constantly asking for exclusions and substitutions in her restaurant orders, so often her orders arrive at the table messed up. Mammy’s protocol for handling this situation:

1. If it doesn’t come naturally, express the disappointment on your face.

2. Remain calm, and explain how your order differs from what you really ordered.

3. Say you’re sorry for sending it back, and acknowledge that it wasn’t the server’s fault.

4. Smile and say thank you.

5. Wait for your correct order to arrive. Possibly steal a French fry or two from your companion’s plate to hold you over.

Easy. And what’s more, many times your meal will be comped without you even having to ask. Should this occur, add to your server’s tip at least half the price of your meal. If you have to wait an excessively long time (please use your judgment here) for your meal to be delivered and perhaps go hypoglycemic, ask for the manager and calmly explain the situation. Tell him you don’t think you should have to pay for your meal. 9 times out of 10, you won’t have to.

GET WHAT YOU WANT.

How to get into Grad School, Part I: Get in the Running September 30, 2007

So you’ve decided to pursue post-graduate degree. First of all, go you for pursuing this goal! It’s definitely tough and only a small percentage of us actually get there. Just entertaining the idea of post-graduate training means you are motivated, intelligent, and confident. Good- you’ll need these qualities in grad school! Just as a disclaimer, a “how to” doesn’t quite do this post justice, but here are some of the most important tricks that worked for Mammy. Keep in mind that although I’ve tried to keep these tips as general as possible so as to address a broad audience, some ideas may only be relevant for certain types of programs, for instance, a research-based doctoral program in psychology. I refer to this example throughout the blog. Also, it’s ideal to identify the type of graduate degree that you’d like to obtain while you’re still in undergrad, so you can gear your educational and professional activities towards this goal. Hence, most of these tips are most easily carried out while you’re still an undergrad. Where appropriate, sections have been added for those of you who are post-grad. Feel free to email us or add comments to supplement this post. Get involved and stay busyVolunteer, work, take classes, and get experience in the field any way you can from a variety of different angles. For instance, research-based doctoral programs are going to want to see that you’ve had your hand in research projects. If you’re still in college: take classes, volunteer, work in the field, get involved in field-relevant professional societies. If you’re out of college: take classes (online, an extension course, at a community college), volunteer, work in the field. It’s not all about smarts- you need to show you have the discipline, work ethic, and organizational and time management skills to make it.

Be consistent

Don’t take jobs or volunteer in a bunch of unrelated fields. This makes you look like your interests are all over the place and that you’re not committed to a single goal. Most grad programs like to see consistency. That said, you will be a stronger applicant if in addition to your main focus, you get experience in a few fields closely related to your focus. Carefully select opportunities that will push you along a single path.

Coursework

If you’re still in college, work hard and get good grades. Additionally, expand the breadth of your studies- pick up another major or at least minor in something that differs from but complements your primary major. Yeah, easier said than done, but you’ve gotta work hard to make it happen!! For instance, if your sights are set on grad school in psychology, pick up biology. Make sure to talk to an academic advisor about prerequisites and overlapping requirements.

Enhance your resume/CV

Professional development is what counts here. Publish in scholarly journals if research is relevant to your area – find an opportunity to co-author a paper with a research group. In addition, present at conferences, whether it be a poster or as part of a colloquium (…the opportunity for the latter of these would be difficult to find prior to grad school). Get involved in field-relevant professional societies. Take a chair position to show off your leadership skills.

Letters of recommendation

If you’re still in college, become a teaching assistant or research assistant, or find some other way to work for a professor and really get to know her/him. This will enable the prof to write you a much better letter than a professor whose class you took. Imagine, “Mammy took my class and got an A. This is quite an accomplishment as my class was very demanding, blah blah blah”. This doesn’t augment your application- your transcripts will be sent, and your programs will already see your grades. The letters of recommendation and admissions essays are where you get to provide information about yourself that isn’t evident from the rest of your application.

***GRE/GMAT/LSAT/MCAT Score***

For some programs, this is the most important part of your application. Find out how important your scores will be to admission to your programs of interest. Find out if the programs require certain minimum scores, and more important, find out the mean scores of the past several years’ entering classes. Usually this information will be somewhere on the department website. You should have a “goal score”, and you should aim for it to be at least the mean of the past several years’ entering classes. Nobody likes standardized tests, and few people can flaunt this as a skill. You’d better believe that you’ll have to study. Prepare yourself by taking a course or be extremely disciplined about studying. If your test is timed, take practice tests timed. Give yourself one less minute per section to make sure you’re on top of things. Take as many practice tests as you can get your hands on, and do so in a variety of different setting because you’ll be in an unfamiliar testing environment when test time comes. Don’t take the test until you’ve gotten your goal score on at least two practice tests.

Applications

Timing. Don’t wait until the last minute to turn them in. The postal service makes mistakes, and you’ll need to call or email admissions secretaries at each program to ensure that your application was received (unless they use a postcard system). Allow at least two weeks prior to the deadline before sending off an app. Also, because many programs practice a rolling admissions process, it’s a good idea to turn apps in a little on the early side.

Details, details. Make sure every aspect of every application is perfect. You’re competing against 100s of other applicants and the admissions committee is looking for any little detail to weed out slackers. Typos, ink smudges, sloppy handwriting, and even the best white-out job are all unacceptable. Be perfectionistic here.

Admissions essay/personal statement

Tailor admissions essays to individual programs. Make it seem like every program is your #1 choice, and discuss the specifics of why. As with letters of rec, this is your chance to show the admissions committe the your characteristics that aren’t clear in the rest of your application materials. Try to resist making it overly personal, or writing about a personal struggle. Sometimes this can get you in the door, but this strategy can backfire too. A sure-fire way to nail this is to discuss a few of your academic and professional activities in detail, why you enjoyed them, and why you’d like to take them to the next level. State your ultimate career aspirations as well- make sure they’re consistent with the types of jobs the program steers students towards.

**Keep in mind: You’ve got a hell of a lot of competition. Your number one goal is to set yourself apart from the pack.